Woke up this morning with the phone call that I have been both expecting and dreading. My mom called which she rarely does to say dad isn’t doing well. Hasn’t really eaten in last 2 days, blood pressure up, saying it hurts to breathe and color changing.
Said the nurse wanted to know if and when I am coming. I have said goodbye so many times in the last 4 1/2 years, the last 6 months especially. We were there for a couple weeks in February expecting him to go. He did better seeing us.
Came to Pennsylvania a couple times expecting him to go. Seemed to perk up seeing me and Lanna. This time I want him to go. I know he has been struggling more slowly. I want him to pass. I actually worry that seeing me may bring him back.
I am also simply broke right now and we have plans. I am okay not being there when he passes. Almost sense that is the right thing.
Am planning to go next week. And I am okay with him passing before we get there. I want him to leave the pain he is having. He does not like being in bed, he doesn’t like not being able to go to the bathroom. It is simply exhausting for everyone. Hospice work is a challenge, the life of a caregiver can be even harder.
It sounds like my mom is ready to admit he’s going, which has been hard for her. It’s time for him to leave the plane of life. Henry Davis is a great dad, and I will miss him terribly. I expected him to live so much longer than 67. Without brain cancer I expected him to live into his 80s. Cancer is an awful nightmare. We need to do better. We must do better.