Two Months Later

The death of a father hits you hard.

For me it brought mania, even hospitalization.

Right now, I just feel exhausted.

It’s been a crazy time. Glad to be mostly sane, trying to be careful of my energy.

I do want to get back to blogging every day, it’s nice to have an earworm that tells you to write.

But, for now I just need to take it easy and one day at a time. And I’m feeling down right now. Glad I have the chance to play some pinball tomorrow.

Glad I have a wife that can deal with me. It sure wasn’t easy in April.

Glad I have my two amazing cats Lenny and Squiggy who love me no matter what.

Glad that Colleen Hoover was able to give me some money from my poem “Write Poorly” that is in her wonderful book “Point of Retreat.”

Glad to know a lot of cool people in the EarthSpirit community, the poetry community, and the Maine Twitter community.

I am getting by now. It’s one day at a time. And often I just want to crash. That’s okay.

I am not reading as much that’s okay.

My dad is gone forever, that really hurts. I had no idea how much.

Sadness comes in waves, I am in a wave of sadness. That’s okay. I think that’s even healthy.

And hopefully I can get out there and play some golf, and some pinball. I can get out and have lunch with some people again. And hopefully even get off lithium soon. I am glad it helped to calm my mania, but it’s not my favorite drug.

Blessed be.

A Cold Week in May

Just got back from a festival in the woods.

First 2 days were warm, then came a ton of hail and a tornado warning. The weather from Tuesday evening until Sunday afternoon was cold and miserable. It only really got nice on Monday as I was leaving. Hearing the music from harps on a beautiful mountain in the Berkshires.

This was an internal Rites of Spring for me. One where I napped a lot, went to bed early and did some deep meditation. I came out of my week in the woods softer. Appreciating that both me and Lanna are still in mourning. That losing a parent takes a lot out of you. That you can be part of a festival even if you lay down during the rites and just listen.

I feel my softer self coming back. But, realize my patience can still be easily tested. And that McDonald’s is not the right lunch coming out of the woods, you need more time and space.

I also realized today and this week how much poetry can be appreciated. I sold some books, but much more heard how much people enjoy my work. It means a lot.

I plan to blog more again now that I’m off the mountain. I am feeling my balance returning. I know though that it’s not going to be fast, and that’s okay. I think I will still need more rest. I will still need to be internal. Sadness and mourning comes in waves. I had a huge wave crest in mid-April that is still settling now.

We are all a little mad. Especially those of us that are interesting. Embrace your journey, love yourself and become who you were meant to be. Sometimes life disappoints us. From the small journeys of a week in the cold woods down to the 30s overnight, to the massive journey of mourning. Life is never what we expect.

But, we need to be open to the joys. Little things like hearing and sensing a cat entering the room like my beloved Squigman/Squiggy. A sunset cresting in the horizon. The green of Spring. Seeing a dear friend. A hug. A ear that listens. Hearing someone else’s story. A child’s laughter. Even a child’s tears can be beautiful. Learn to be present. Learn to be aware, there is so much beauty in this world.

Sometimes though we need to rest.

Blessed be.

My Rock

This was read yesterday 5/18/13 for my dad’s memorial service.

——————

Dad has always been my rock
Now he’s gone
and that hurts.

38 years together
66 years on the Earth
Married 42 years to my mom
4 1/2 years with brain cancer.

I wanted two more decades
We all wanted two more decades.

I am glad he is no longer suffering.
But would love to have years at Ferry Beach
and the ocean of Maine together.

Walking, laughing, being together and listening to jazz.

Dad has always been the rock in my life,
it hurts, it will always hurt.

I miss you dad.
Sadness comes in waves.

(c) 2013 Edmund Davis-Quinn

Almost Six Weeks Later

Have a had a rollercoaster of a time since my dad passed away on April 1.

A new poetry book, a wave of creative energy, full blast of mania.

Hospitalization, lithium, crash.

It’s been a heck of a ride.

Finally drove for the first time in a month today.

Glad that lithium crashed my mania hard, but wondering if 1200mg is too much, going to ask doctor about it on Tuesday.

Really wish I took short term disability at work. When it doubt say yes. We are making it through barely. Not appreciating Sallie Mae at all. When the country decided to make loans over grants for student aid it created a massive and frankly very mean organization. I really wish I could have ended it via bankruptcy. Madness in August, 2001 took a lot out of me. It took me a long time to get over. I ended up in London unmedicated, after leaving the Oxford Trade Program, never was medicated. The twin towers came down while I was depressed but still in a mixed state. I am only a month after mania cresting again hard and doing mostly really well.

I don’t think this one will take four years to get over, for that I am thankful. The last mania did I had to write a book during NaNoWrimo “No Filter: A Travelogue of Madness” to get over it that I wrote in November, 2005, many years later. Felt guilt about it for so long. Kept thinking in the past.

This time, my dad’s funeral is on Saturday. Sadness still comes in waves. I have been sleeping a lot since out of the hospital on April 26th. So thankful for my cats Lenny and Squiggy being near me. I learned more in that fortnight then almost any time I can remember in my life. Even got to experience how bizarre prison was for 3 days mostly in isolation.

And very happy to be going off to the Berkshires with my pagan community, Earthspirit for Rites of Spring. It has been a wonderful time for green, grounding and friendship since I have known my wife in 2003.

A lot to do until then. Glad I have been able to get some support from family, friends and most especially Lanna.

Think it may still be a while before I blog every day but it’s been a rich six weeks. Hoping the rest of this week is mostly good, the funeral will be tough.

Hoping Rites of Spring brings green and balance, I think I may need to meditate again this year.

Peace be with you. Don’t forget to tell your beloveds you love them.
Blessed be.

Edmund

The Frogs are Trilling

The Frogs are trilling.
A beautiful sign for me of Spring.
Of times in the Berkshires.

Of peepers doing their beautiful mating dance.
Beltane has passed.
The Spring has begun.

Enjoy it, it’s so brief in Maine.
So beautiful.

Still cool night. Soon camp season.
Soon senior’s graduate.
Soon kids are out of college.

Right now the frogs are trilling on the Presumpscot River in Westbrook.
Nature is in it’s cycle of mating.
There will be more frogs soon.

There will be more birds soon.
Eating more insects.
Thank God for that the blackflies like Maine so much.
The mosquitos can be worse.
But then again I live in Westbrook not the country.

Enjoy the short spring of Maine
and Northern New England,
we sure wait long enough for it.

(c) 2013, Edmund Davis-Quinn

Blue Gold: World Water Wars ***1/2

Definitely preachy at times, but water rights are a huge issue.

We need to stop thinking the World Bank and the IMF are doing things for good.

They have both been failures. Privatization hurts not helps economies. Austerity turns recessions into depressions. Giving local utilities, especially water to private multi-national corporations is utter madness.

People deserve the right to safe, cheap drinking water. Just like in America everyone deserves the right to free health care.

Corporations in our era are all about profit margin for the “stockholders.” Forgetting of course that stockholder value is an important to a company as say how the Red Sox are doing is important to Boston.

We need to have less greed in our society. Simple businesses like Jiffy Corn Mix. Good price at forty cents a box. The CEO makes a fair wage, the workers make a good wage, the farmers get a good price, everybody wins.

In our time of greed, we will have someone like Bechdel or Suez come into a country in crisis and make the water both more polluted and substantially more expensive. We need to do better.

We also need far more sustainable agriculture and animal husbandry. It’s a big effort to make for better water. To me a big part of it is buy local, eat local, when possible.

We need to stop the big corn subsidies, which just make for large corn fields, huge chicken farms, huge fields of shit with cow and pig production, and terrible produce. We can do better, we must do better. Better food, better use of water and a better America.

Trickle up economics has been with us since 1981 with Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher, it just doesn’t work. Making finance a bigger industry, and worshipping Wall Street just doesn’t work. Simple way to pay off Sallie Mae, which is an utter failure, have free health care, and a basic safety net in America? Raise capital gains from 15% to 25% and estate tax over one million from 0% (how did that happen) to 10%. Also kick out the five members of the Supreme Court who made the egregiously bad decision that the preamble of the United States “We the People of the United States…” doesn’t matter by saying it’s “We the Corporations of the United States, in order to have homeland security, patriot acts, a huge prison-industrial complex, and corporate welfare…” They are: Chief Justice John Roberts, Antonin Scalia, Samuel Alito, Clarence Thomas and Anthony Kennedy. It’s probably the worst Supreme Court decision of all time. Here is the Wiki on it.

We all need clean water. It’s a right. Let’s not forget that. We don’t need much, but we need food, water and friends.

Let’s hope it gets better, it can’t get much worse.

edmund

Greedo Shot First !??!?!?

Calm
at Peace
Passive.

I am not of these things
watching Star Wars Special Editions.

Greedo shot first???!?
That’s not how space cowboys survive.

Stop all the effects
George special effects without a story are boring.
You said that yourself.
Stop.

Allow fans to see the original editions.
The spareness and quiet let the story sing.
Disney let this happen.

Glad to see they got JJ Abrams to direct Star Wars 7
that should be fun.

And there will be droids.
Oh yes there will be droids.
The special relationship between
R2D2 and C-3PO.
Let the fan fiction begin.

ed2d2

Poetry Card Madness

Made a big mess with some cards earlier in the month. Found one stack that looked fun, so thought would see what I had.

Could use some new pieces, new deck for Power Grid. And probably need to get a new game entirely for the original Steve Jackson games Illuminati. D’oh. Also used Dominion Base Set, random Magic the Gathering, Lord of the Fries, and Munchkin Fu. Couldn’t care less about the Munchkin Fu or Lord of the Fries, they are better used for this.

So this is two sides.

Copper
Lord of the Fries
Dominion
Drink
Bird Meat
Elephant Hide Armor

Cheese, cheese
Wandering Monster
Cheese, cheese, cheese
Turtle Kung Fu

Lord of the Fries
Munchkin Fu, Munchkin Fu
Fyndhorn Elves
Wandering Monster
Duskdale Worm

——————

Last time, it tore up the Wilt-Lear, turned Mistmeadow into a mudhole, and made the river jump its banks. On the bright side, we were eating venison for weeks.
Munchkin Fu
Living side by side with the Elves for so long leaves me with no doubt that we serve the same goddess.
Han So Low
Hong Kong Cong
Fish Meat

Munchkin Fu
Lord of the Fries, Lord of the Fries
Lord of the Fries
Munchkin Fu
Lord of the Fries
Copper
Fish Meat
Dominion.

Ok, it’s really weird.

The Magic: The Gathering quotes are interesting though.

Best Slam Team. Ever.

I love the Rhythmic Cypher slam team. In a typically male dominated format it’s ALL women. They are all great writers and performers. For me it’s all about the writing first.

Grand Slam Champion: Princess. Total rockstar. Black, big and proud. Best poem about boobs and big breasts ever. I love you. You are awesome.

T Love Smith: Love that your are on the team. The Rhythmic Cypher now that it’s at Dobra Tea I am sure is everything you dreamed it could be. Just beautiful. Safe space allows magic to happen. You are also a hell of a poet.

Robin Merrill: One of my favorite people in Maine and favorite poets. We are each other’s fans. She calls my Twitter (@rurugby) one of her favorites. Her “Jesus is a Feminist” poem makes me think that maybe that Jesus is the divine feminine and that God is a phallus. More of a balanced energy than the father/son of the Bible. I have always thought women make better ministers than men do. Women tend to be collaborative and are usually better listeners. I love matriarchal churches and the divine feminine. It’s one of the reasons I am drawn to pagan spirituality. I recommend you read Starhawk and Margot Adler for more on the divine feminine. You are an amazing poet, I am glad you are being recognized in the performance/slam community.

Zanne Langlois: I have always loved your wordsmithing. It inspires my writing. And I want to learn more from you where to walk and be away from the world. I am so thrilled that you will be part of RC. I love that all of you can help each other write better. The energy of female poets has inspired me since the first time I saw a Women of the World slam.

Sarah Lynn Herklots: 10th to 5th in the last round is a heck of a comeback. I love your humor and style. You have always made me belly laugh. And I have always been a fan. I think stand up is great training for performance poets. Going to Slainte on a Wednesday night for a comedy open mic though proves how much better poetry is. There is real honesty in poetry. Even funny poems come from an honest place. Your work is beautiful.

Everyone competing tonight was amazing. I am so looking forward to what group pieces and other pieces Rhythmic Cypher comes up with. What a beautiful group of women. I love you all.

Edmund
ed2d2

Zen Kitties/ Fire Spirit Familiar

Lenny
Squiggy
Found together
In a circle.

Best friends
Fight, fight, lick
lick, fight, fight.

Good companions, love to me near my warm energy.
What my wife calls a furnace.

Calming
Soft
Sweet
Familiars.