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Edmund Charles Davis-Quinn

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Sleep is Not the Enemy

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I’m reading a novel about someone who left everything while manic “Too Bright to Hear, Too Loud to See” by Juliann Garey. It’s very good and the last chapter I read involved being hospitalized in Kenya. After not sleeping for weeks jabbing his hand with a shrimp fork to stop the buzzing.

I have had major mania but in never went that far.

One major mania I had, and the one that wasn’t hospitalized was in my last MBA class at the Oxford Trade Program.

Geneva was great but when I came back to Oxford it got weird especially at a company visit to Birmingham. I do wish though I took the bus to London with the class. It was in August, 2001 and I planned to travel around Europe after.

That didn’t work out. I was pushed out of Oxford to London which thought was an incredibly strange decision. I should have just been hospitalized in Oxford. It was a far more approachable city than being completely alone at Imperial College in the middle of London.

I bought too much stuff, made some odd decisions, lost some stuff at a hostel, it would have been a good time for a private room. And I missed a flight to Edinburgh.

And I didn’t fly out of Rome in early October, I flew back I think to Los Angeles but maybe Newark. I honestly don’t remember.

I do wish I kept my space in Claremont though. It would have been a great place to transition. It’s one of the best places I have ever lived.

I think the mania went down across the ocean, but I don’t really remember. It was fifteen years ago. I do know I was depressed for a very long time. And I slept a lot the next year and didn’t do much. I think it has affected my career since but who knows.

I will say I am very happy I had no new incidents until my dad died in April, 2013 which was also a huge mania where I was hospitalized and have talked more about on the blog in the past.

I also had a smaller mania in April, 2015 that also involved hospitalization. A small mania in December, 1992, I think looking back. And one after graduating college in December, 1997 that was surreal and involved hospitalization.

Maybe I take less risks because I do have major mania. I am happy though I had structure and was able to heal.

Dance, Dance, Dance, Dance, Ya

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My friend Lori is at a 90s show with Salt and Pepa, Vanilla Ice, Coolio, Young MC, Tone Loc and a bunch of others tonight in Huntsville, AL. And I have had a great week of dancing.

I got to dance at the opening circle of Rites of Spring and at the opening fire circle.

I got to dance a bit at the Maypole, and have a ribbon break off when I tried to tie it and I wish to move forward.

I got to dance around the Wicker Man on Saturday night before we left the mountain.

I got to dance on Sunday at the wedding and I guess people said I danced well. I got surprised by two women dancing around me aggressively at the wedding which made me smile and gave me a big ego.

I always loved to dance. And always was the geeky dancer in high school.

I guess the groove is in the heart.

And you know what they say Bust a Move, good arcade game too.

And be careful with that Funky Cold Medina.

And you can even Push It good.

And I am even going to include one of my most ridiculous favorites. Gunther’s “Ding Dong Song”, it’s probably not for everyone.

And I have to include the Sir Mix-A-Lot classic “Baby Got Back”. Just classic.

And sometimes you should just Relax.

And remember just dance and have fun!

Unwasted: My Lush Sobriety ***1/2 by Sacha Zimmerman Scoblic

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This took me a while to read as I was distracted by library books. I really enjoy the author’s voice and honesty. I enjoy alcohol myself but rarely to get drunk.

Sobriety isn’t easy. I liked how she talked about how she had to get away from people. How drunks would seem like lizard people to her. And how sobriety allowed for deeper connections and a better life.

Also, how having friends and people help you get your through it all is so important.

——————————–

I feel lucky with sobriety. When I first smoked some little cigars that were left over moving a Rite Aid around I didn’t get addicted to smoking.

When I first drank, I drank a little with my parents I didn’t drink to get drunk.

Things like heroin and narcotics have always scared me. I have enjoyed taking codeine briefly but was always careful to only use when it was needed.

And I even need to be more careful with bipolar disorder. Unfortunately substance abuse is very common with bipolar disorder. 60.7 people with bipolar I have substance abuse issues.

But I most definitely feel lucky. Creativity, mental issues and addiction are very, very commonly together.

Kylo Ren (to Michael Jackson’s Ben) — and yes spoilers (big ones)

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Yes there are lots of spoilers in this song, in this song
Yes, turn away if that’s not what you’re looking for.
Ben, that’s what my daddy named me,
Ben, the son that he was looking for.

But I ran away from Luke, and found some friends in Ren,
the Knights of Ren,
they said I would be my friends to the end.

Ben, why do you listen to a holograph, holograph,
Snoke isn’t that big it’s just a mask.

Ben, that isn’t actually your granddad, granddad
Ben, that’s just a mask that he had, that he had

Ben, why did you send your dad away, dad away
We thought Han Solo was here to stay, here to stay.

You may think that you are strong,
and the mask makes you look so big,
but there’s something you should know.

Ben, you think your name is Kylo Ren,
but you are still a sad boy named Ben.

You may think we you don’t need Han,
but we think that you are wrong.

Kylo Ren, you are just a sad, scared boy, sad, scared boy.
Rey, almost made it that you were gone to stay.

She is only getting stronger and something tell you,
wish that we stayed with your friends.

With your friends,
Kylo Ren,
Kylo Ren.

Actual lyrics:

Ben, the two of us need look no more,
We both found what we were looking for.
With a friend to call my own,
I’ll never be alone, and you, my friend, will see,
You’ve got a friend in me.

Ben, you’re always running here and there,
You feel you’re not wanted anywhere.
If you ever look behind and don’t like what you find
There’s something you should know, you’ve got a place to go.
I used to say I and me, now it’s us, now it’s we.
I used to say I and me, now it’s us, now it’s we.
Ben most people would turn you away;
I don’t listen to a word they say.
They don’t see you as I do;
I wish they would try to’
I’m sure they’d think again if they had a friend like Ben,
A friend like Ben
(Like Ben)
Like Ben

Commercials

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Dumb noise.

Buy shit.

Buy more shit.

Watch crap.

Watch some more crap.

They are occasionally clever.

If they weren’t so effective, there wouldn’t be so many.

We have so much stuff.

Due to television, the drug of the nation.
Breeding ignorance and sending radiation.

The last two lines from the Disposable Heroes of Hiphopcracy brilliant song “Television: The Drug of the Nation.” Here are the full lyrics.

For We Have Been Touched by Magic

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There is a line in a chant we using at the closing circle at Rites of Spring, a pagan gathering we go to every Memorial Day weekend in the Berkshires called Rites of Spring. “For we have been touched by magic, and the magic will make us whole.”

Maine is beautiful, it’s a special place. Portland is a magical city.

But since we have moved to North State Street in Ansonia, CT the place ahs been touched by magic. When my wife saw the two benches in the gravel she immediately thought it was a Fairie garden. It seemed touched with something special.

The song of crickets at night makes my soul happy. All of the beautiful rocks. The old trees. The old houses. It’s beautiful.

The amazing view across the valley, special. Seeing insects lit up by the late evening sun looking like little fairies.

Bees loving the wildflowers, playing with the pollen and being happy.

The world would be a better place if we planted gardens over grass. Better for the local wildlife. Prettier. Food during the harvest. Canning. Old ways.

Also less gas used, less sameness, less blah.

Not sure when planned communities in beige with bizarre homeowners association rules and sameness became desirable.

Feeling touched by magic in the local forest. I am a forest person.

Going from the beautiful Ansonia Nature Center and exploring off trail into the Naugatuck State Forest. Getting lost, feeling the spirit of the trees, stumps and old rocks. Feeling the energy of the land. I am feeling deeply connected here.

Who know I may have some roots here. My ancestors in America go back a long way, a lot fo them in the 17th and 18th Century. I know I have some roots in Mexico, Maine wondering if I have roots in the valley.

This area built things. Rivers like the Naugatuck, and the Presumpcot which goes through Westbrook, Maine and was the most dammed river in the US per mile not long ago, were industrial corridors. The United States, used to build things. Ansonia was a copper center, Waterbury a center of Brass, Westbrook a paper town, tires made in the Valley working people.

Beautiful old mills, sometimes destroyed, sometimes converted to beautiful use. Like the North Dam Mill in Biddeford, ME and the Dana Warp Mill in Westbrook, Maine.

I heard a rumor while fixing my car that the huge copper mills in Ansonia are due to be torn down too. I hope they are made into a park. I would rather they were converted into something cool and beautiful. I need to ride the Metro North to Waterbury and go through them before they go.

I have heard everyone in Derby and Ansonia knows each other. I need to get into those circles and I think I will be a lot happier. It’s a matter of time.

I do like the neighborhood and it’s a special place. And touched by magic.

eddie

Death Card

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A few weeks ago before Lanna got her new job on our tenth anniversary on July 3rd, I went to Pinecone + Chickadee in downtown Portland and got some random Portland Pins from the gumball like machine. One was death with a nautical image.

I asked Lanna what it meant and she said in tarot it’s a symbol of new beginnings. From this Tarot site it states:

Death is symbolic of the ending of a major phase or aspect of your life that may bring about the beginning of something far more valuable and important.

My first thought was to be frightened but I didn’t know it was the symbol of good change. It’s been a difficult few years. I lost my dad on April 1st, 2013 and had a major mental health crisis and breakdown a couple weeks later where I ended up at Spring Harbor. Manic depression is indeed a frustrating mess. Dad’s was a long departure which I talked about extensively on the blog. I am still recovering 15 months later.

Lanna’s died just a little over a year before in March, 2012. His departure was fast. From seeming pretty healthy and in good spirits to gone not long after.

I feel like I have grown as a person. Learning to mediate, accept my many weirdnesses, learning patience, writing, interacting with words. Maine has been good to me. Maine has been very good to me.

Especially with the patience and perspective of just getting by with life. And that there is nobility to just living. You have a house, you have family, you have food, you are doing alright. Ayuh.

Moving to the Shelton, CT area for Lanna’s new job, she leaves today to start her new job tomorrow, feels like coming home in a way. I grew up in Central NJ in Montgomery Township, just a town north from Princeton up 206. Shelton, CT reminds me a lot of Bridgewater, NJ. Green, bucolic, with huge office parks and lots of money. And I am guessing a lot of the same attitude of not being satisfied and always wanting to have more in life. There is something beautiful in having enough.

I also feel this desire to work in counseling, mental health, anti-drug war and anti-prison efforts. I had a conversation just last night about trying to get people with mental health away from prison. Considering going into mental health work, maybe as a counselor maybe even as an NP. Although I still don’t like blood. I feel like I need to help people directly. As someone with creativity, mania and mental health issues, my current job in a medical call center has helped me gain patience. Listening is a powerful skill. Simply letting people get out what burdens them, helping them get to a nurse or doctor for advice.

Feeling grateful that my job can go with me and I can go remote. It’s one big less stress for this long move.

Feeling happy to unburden myself, I keep way too much crap. Let it go. Let it go.

Happy to have the kitties for support.

I’m going to miss my wife this week and a half. She is going to start in CT for a fortnight on the new job, and I am going out next Tuesday. It’s going to be strange, we are such strong partners with the 11 1/2 years we have been together (met in mid-January, 2003).

I am excited, and daunted by my next step in life.

Also looking forward to a cleaner house and having a place for people to stay. Our moms, our friends, etc. Good friends in good spirits is all it really takes to be happy. I was reminded of that last night at a wonderful party.

To new beginnings. As scary and daunting as they can be.

Sketch poem

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This came from writing on a sketchbook at Dobra Tea.
Small cap lines should be indented.
————-

Read
    anything
Create
    with abandon
Draw
     outside the lines.
Love
    with all your heart
Listen
intensely
without judgement
without interjection
Learn
everything
then learn more.
Write
poorly
Write
anything
Write
Create
Believe in yourself.

Fail
keep going
Draft
edit
keep going
Sketch
draw
watercolor
Keep playing.
Buy local art.
Be a patron.
Be a fan.

Create,
Listen,
Write,
Laugh,
Love
yourself
your journey
listening
creating.

You are an artist.
Believe in yourself.
Create.
Listen.
Love.
Create more.
Share your work.
It’s beautiful.

My Dear Aunt Sallie

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(This is a work in progress — expecting to edit but really like the idea.)

My Dear Aunt Sally
learn it in school

Multiplication
Division
Adding
Subtracting

So 8*5/4-3 = 40/4-3 = 10-3 = 7

My Dear Aunt Sallie

Multiplying
student loans
Multiplying
interests.

dividing
families
dividing
relationships.

adds
debt
adds
fees

Subtracting
opportunity
spending money
the economy

Adds
new dorms
for-profit schools
tuition.

Subtracting
meritocracy
affordability

Multiplying
Government profit
Debt Collectors.

Dividing
young from old
rich from poor

It’s a mortgage.

If you can’t afford it
here is some “student aid.”

More semesters
more student loans
more debt
even in public colleges
even when working in school.

The tuition will be fine
the loans will be fine
college will pay off.

Will give
chances
opportunity
growth,

Make you a better person.

Successful, rich.

If you are so smart, why ain’t you rich.

Poets, artists and philosophers have never had money
unless they had a benefactor.

Give money
give money
give money
give money
10, 20, 30 years.

Disabled
pay me
mental illness
pay me
bad job market
pay me

Pay me
calls
pay me
default
plus give me 18.5%

We want your money
you signed a contract
sorry, no bankruptcy.

Sorry we can’t help you
go back to school,
take a forbearance,
take more debt.

Sorry we can’t help you
pay it in full of 18.5%

Pay me. Pay me.
Pay me.

My Dear Aunt Sallie Mae
forgive us.

We know not what
we signed

We just wanted to
go to school.

Send it was aid

Just want to go to
school
FAFSA said
I needed loans.

just wanted
to learn
to learn

opportunity
to learn
to learn.

Forgive us.
Forgive our debt
forgive the debts.
forgive. forgive.
forgive.

Improve the economy
end sleepless nights
allow creativity
allow entrepeunship
allow people to use their degrees
for good.

Giving our smartest people
who had parents without money
or enough money
a mortgage to start life is insane.

Just end Sallie Mae.
End it.
Forgive it.

Maybe less people would go to school.
That’s okay.

Student aid should be grants not loans.
Should allow people to follow their passion,
not take jobs that pay enough money.

We need to do better as a society
to the strivers
from poor, working class, middle class
families.

To improve themselves,
bring creativity,
bring a better world.

And not have the shackles
of thousands,
tens of thousands,
even hundreds of thousands in debt.

It would make the world
a better place.

edmund

Lenny Cat, Lenny Cat/ Cat Suite

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My cat Lenny found out that his brother Squiggy had a song “The House of the Squiggy Squig”, and decided he needed one too.

(To the tune of Spider-Man, Spider-Man, Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man)

Lenny Cat
Lenny Cat
Friendly, nudgey Lenny Cat

He’s so big
He’s so cute
Watch out he’s got your foot

Plays with string any time
Sits on sink
Up so high

Can’t you see
He’s so fly
Look there, whenever you will lay down
There goes the Lenny Cat!
Here comes the Lennny Cattt!

—–

Another one to the tune of Batman, this is dedicated to Ryk McIntire
(to TV Batman Theme)

Lenny
Lenny
Lenny
Lenny
Len-ny
Len-ny
Len-ny

Lenny
Lenny
Lenny
Lenny
Le-nny
Le-nny

Lenny, Lenny, Lenny, Lenny, Lenny, Lenny, Lenny
LENNY, LENNY, LENNY

————-

Found this from early April, not sure why it wasn’t published. Going to add two more for a cat suite to read.

Eddie, Cat Dude
(also to TV Batman theme)

Eddie
Eddie
Eddie
Eddie, Eddie
Cat Dude

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie
Eddie, Eddie
Cat Dude, Cat Dude, Cat Dudge

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie,
Eddie, Eddie
Cat Dude

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie,
Eddie, Eddie,
Cat Dude, Cat Dude, Cattt Duuuude

————————-

The House of the Squiggy Squig

(To House of the Rising Sun)

There is a cat in Westbrook town,
They call the Squiggy Squig

He’ll wake you up a 3am,
but you forgive the adorable Squig.

When you take a shower he waits,
On the side of the tub.
Waiting for you to be done.
Then he’ll lick all over the shower curtain.
In the House of the Squiggy Squig.

When someone new comes in the house,
Squiggy will hunt them out.
You better give him some petting time,
you’re in the House of the Squiggy Squig.

And you love to see this cat,
With the off center nosemark.
It’s cute it’s black, and again so cute.
Welcome to the House of the Squiggy Squig.

You’re in the house of the Squigggy Squiiiigggg.