Ramblings of an EdMan

Eddie Davis and the Eddie Davis Experience

January 11, 2014 by rurugby Leave a Comment

So when I was at the University of Chicago 20 years ago (which seems crazy to be that long) one of the guys who I think may have had a crush on me and my oddness said I should have a band called “Ed Davis and the Ed Davis Experience.”

I also think this would be a great name for a radio show, changing it to Eddie Davis, because that’s more fun, and was the WPST 97.5 morning DJ when I was in high school (pop station).

Here would be a sample 1 hour show. Just has a few genres. Curious what Pandora would make of this.

Would start with the insane and fun B.O.B. by OutKast. (4:24)

Good morning/afternoon/evening from Portland, Maine wherever it is you are listening to. It’s always after midnight somewhere. Including the cold state of Maine where its 30 degrees at 12:05am. Let’s have some fun, that was of course OutKast with “B.O.B.” (ie Bombs over Baghdad). And here is some more fast dance music. “James Brown is Dead: Original Mix” by L.A. Style. (1:20 for talking, 5:42 for song)

(and yes that is posts I wrote 24 hours after each other (also the Get Up there and Dance, Dance I Say).

So that was James Brown is Dead, which just makes me need to get up or at least move. And I was lucky enough to see James Brown at a free show in Battery Park. Was about half the way back and kept getting pushed into. When we got up I realized if we moved 50 feet back no one would bother us. New York is weird. But here is some James Brown with “Get Up I Feel Like Being A Sex Machine (Part 1)”. (5:16 song, 1:45 talking)

James Brown is awesome and was one of the hardest working men in show business with all those shows he did putting all of his energy out there. One of the great recent discoveries I made was from watching a documentary on Amazon Prime “Charles Bradley: Soul of America” which was just fantastic. He played little clubs in New York City for years as Little James Brown. Here is his amazing “Why is it So Hard”. talk 2:00 (song 4:31)

As someone who has struggled all his life you can hear it right in his voice. We need more amazing music like this on the radio. Now hear is a quick station break … WMPG wants your car, no like really, we seriously do, just make sure you have the title and want to get rid of the thing, we will take it, seriously we will (1:00) …

And hear is my mom’s favorite band Simon and Garfunkel with “America”. talk 1:00, song 3:38

Just beautiful. Paul Simon is an underrated singer.

After that hitchhike from Saginaw, here is Johnny Cash “I Can’t Help But Wonder.” (0:45, song 3:21).

This one ALWAYS gets to me. Johnny Cash gets right to my emotional core. Now here is a song that tells the truth we are special. The “Creep” cover from Scala and the Kolacny brothers that was in the Social Network previews but not the movie. (1:10, song 5:00) (up to 41 mins).

Funny that two of the anthems of Generation X are “Creep” and “Loser”. But here is a different song by Beck “Devil’s Haircut.” (talking 0:40, song 3:16) (up to 45 mins)

Just a great beat. Should have caught Beck at the State Theater but loved the Beck and Flaming Lips preview show I saw in Claremont, CA for like 4 hours in 2001. Had a full set by the Flaming Lips, then Beck, and then together. Here is some Flaming Lips with “She Don’t Use Jelly.” (talking 1:20, song 3:49) (up to 50 mins)

Vasoline toast sounds really, really terrible. As a Jersey boy, feeling like getting into a song that gets what I think it shows what it’s like to be in your 20s. Fountains of Wayne with “Hackensack”. (Talking 1:10, song 3:01) (54 mins)

So we are coming full circle, let’s close with a great jazz song in honor of my dad “Blue in Green” by Miles Davis. Have a good night and a pleasant tomorrow, or today.

Music That Changed My Life: For the Good Times

January 10, 2014 by rurugby 1 Comment

So I decided to a do a post on the varieties of pop this morning. I had so much fun with it wanted to some more. Music has always been a big deal for me. One of the big things that bonded me to him.

Dad was all about jazz.

To me the best composer of the 20th Century is Edward Kennedy “Duke” Ellington. No one compares to his output or influence in my opinion. My favorite Duke Ellington record from my dad’s collection is his double LP “The Great Paris Concert.” Turns out the whole thing is on YouTube so enjoy the Duke Ellington Orchestra from February 1st, 2nd and 23rd, 1963 from Paris.

Here is some as good as it gets music. John Coltrane’s full album “Blue Train”. One of those records any music fan just needs to own. It’s just beautiful. Glad to find out I can hear full CDs on YouTube. That’s awesome.

Now I have to add what I consider the best jazz record of all time, the absolutely amazing “Kind of Blue.” Grew up with this music. One of the last things I did while he was still consious in March of last year (he died on April 1st, 2013) was watch a DVD about the making of the record that I found with a CD for like two bucks at the Allentown Thrift Store. They have that CD copy. Found this in a Bull Moose grab bad and gave the copy to someone in Portland near Longfellow Books. It’s just an amazing thing to give music. I think it was after a poetry reading. If you have never heard this take a listen now, and buy it at your favorite record store. This is an extraordinarily important album to me. I love you, dad.

My mom’s favorite singers of all time are Simon and Garfunkel. My favorite track of theirs is “The Only Living Boy in New York.” I can gather all the news I need on the weather report. The lyrics are beautiful, as a song, as poetry the don’t work as well. And Paul Simon is a very underrated singer. This just makes me think of having perspective in life.

The Beatles “Long and Winding Road” is poetry as lyrics and just words. This one makes me cry. THe last two years have been a long and winding road. It wasn’t one of my blogposts but when I blogged about my dad dying on April 1, 2013 it started with: “My dad Henry Edmunds Davis passed away at 3:45pm today.

It’s been a long and winding road. “

And there have be a lot of tears including right now. And that’s a good thing, all of our lives are. They are supposed to be. Illness is always a long and winding road. I was lucky to have him 4 1/2 years with brain cancer even if the last 7 months were so, so hard.

In my “Rest in Piece” blogpost that night. Two songs came up. One I called: “But my theme song for this sickness has been “For the Good Times” by Johnny Cash.” Johnny Cash’s good friend Kris Kristofferson wrote the lyrics here they are:
Don’t look so sad
I know it’s over
But life goes on
And this old world
Will Keep on turning

Let’s just be glad
We had this time
To spend together
There is no need to watch the bridges
That we’re burning

Lay your head upon my pillow
Hold your warm and tender body
Close to mine
Hear the whisper of the raindrops
Blow softly against my window
Make believe you love me
One more time
For the good times
For the good times

I’ll get along
You’ll find another
And I’ll be here
If you should ever find
You need me

Don’t say a word
About tomorrow
Or forever and ever and ever and ever
There’ll be time enough for sadness
When you leave me
For the good times
For the good times

Lay your head upon my pillow
Hold your warm and tender body
Close to mine

Mom and dad were always inseparable. I worried about her without dad and she is doing really well. Better than me I think. She was there for his illness and didn’t want to leave him. Even kept a big stuffed dolphin with her in bed to represent his spirit. I read a poem on Higgins Beach to the waves and wind in my mania on Thursday, April 11th for about 30 minutes just talking. It was a beautiful moment. The madness of mania can. This is a gorgeous song. Johnny Cash has the right voice for it as he is dying after already losing his beloved June Carter Cash in Johnny Cash’s beautiful album “American VI: Ain’t No Grave.” It’s a meditation on death and dying. Johnny Cash is amazing at covers and lived a remarkable life.

Get Out There and Dance, Dance I Say!

January 9, 2014 by rurugby 1 Comment

To me pop is not just one thing. It makes me think of the old American Bandstand, “it’s got a good beat and I can dance to it.”

There is obviously just the pure classics like Billie Jean and the birth of the moonwalk at the Motown 25th Anniversary special. Michael Jackson may have lived an odd life, but I think his music will be played a generation from now. His “Thriller” and “Off the Wall” albums are about as good as pop gets. Michael Jackson and Quincy Jones together were magic. Wish he didn’t have the odd life of being a Jehovah’s Witness as a a young boy, a huge star and seeing his brothers having all the fun the 70s offered for someone famous, young, and beautiful.

Then there is to me at least my favorite recent big pop hit. And yes it’s “rap”, but there can definitely be pop rap. Macklemore’s unbelievably catchy “Thrift Shop.” “I’m gonna pop some tags, only twenty dollars in my pocket…” And of course the hook of “This is f**king awesome.” Just pure joy and makes you want to get up and dance.

And then you get a less known pure pop song like Mika’s awesome “Lollipop.” Just pure fun. Pure joy. Great beat, of course I am not sure he is really talking about lollipops.

Then you get songs that are just funk awesomeness. Like the total hip-hop classic from OutKast “Ms. Jackson.” Again amazing beat, you want to dance to it. And it’s genius.

And of course the awesomeness that is the 80s one hit wonder. So many great pop songs. Some even want you to kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia. One of the the most unapologetic gay club songs. So “Relax” by Frankie Goes to Hollywood. There is a reason it was a great choice in “Zoolander.”

And electronica can bring in the beats and bring in the fun. First thinking of the great “Rockefeller Skank” by Fatboy Slim. Again it just forces you to move. And one heck of a hook.

And probably the song that most forces me to get up and dance, L.A. Style’s unbelievably awesome and funky “James Brown is Dead.” Electronica can definitely be a force for good. And the original mix is way better and harder, even it doesn’t really have a video.

Here is probably the video I have watched the most of the last few years. First found out about it from Pandora. The Chemical Brothers silly and fun “The Salmon Dance.” It’s also one of the stoniest videos ever. Dude, it’s fish dancing and singing.

Then you get the songs that are so much fun they even come to the United States in their original langugage. All pop stations should be banned from playing “99 Red Balloons.” Here is Nena’s “99 Luftballons”.

I think that is enough for now. I just want to bliss out to some “James Brown is Dead” and go to work.

Dance like no one is watching. Seriously just do it. Saw my friend Alex Steed getting his dance on at Space listening to Heavy Trash and made me think of being the dopey 8th grader dancing my himself without a care. It’s awesome.

So one more that I have always loved “Wipeout.” Surf guitar is just fantastic. It starts with some silly 60s beach movies like “Beach Blanket Bingo.”

Ok one more on the surf guitar Dick Dale “Misirlou” from the Pulp Fiction soundtrack which is better than the early 60s original.

So dance, dance I say. “Push It” by Salt n Pepa.

Going to have to add more of these tonight. It’s just too fun.

Add to one of that’s obvious. One of the best hooks ever. And let’s just face it I love when “Baby Got Back”. I can’t believe Sir Mix-A-Lot only had the one hit. And the video is pure joy.

And of course MC Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This” is pure joy. Pop music isn’t just what is played by the teeny bopper music like Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus that gets on current “pop” stations. Silly Clear Channel and the labels have made the focus of radio too thin.

Pop can even be a silly Weird Al remake of a pretty straight ahead rap song. “White and Nerdy” completely eclipsed the original. I had no idea how similar the video to the Chamillionaire song until I watched his video. And of course I am white and nerdy.

I will close for now with the pop song I have played the most on iTunes since I changed computers the awesome 80s “West End Girls” by the Pet Shop Boys (#30 overall – 36 plays.) The 80s had great pop music.

These music posts are fun, more are coming.

Birds on Icy River

January 8, 2014 by rurugby Leave a Comment

Arctic blast.
River frozen over.

Presumpcot.
Open water by the Sacarappa falls, mostly iced over in the intense cold.

Birds on ice,
In packs.
Enjoying the sun on the frosted river.

Paying attention.
Looking.
Experiencing the world.

Even on a frosty January afternoon in Maine.

2014: A Year of Grounding – Deep and Simple

January 6, 2014 by rurugby 3 Comments

We live in shallow and complex times.

Worried about e-mails, about texts, Twitter, Facebook.

Often interacting more with people even that we know in shallow ways. Always feeling like we need to check into our media and devices. A society full of advertising of buy, buy, buy of you need this, you need that.

You don’t. No really, you don’t.

You really don’t need a smartphone although it is very shiny. You don’t need an iPad, again very shiny. You don’t need those new clothes, you don’t need to see every movie, you probably don’t need more stuff.

You need to connect. To people, to the earth, to yourself.

I am dedicating 2014 to be the Year of Grounding for me. I need it.

The last two years have been very ungrounding. Losing my father in law Walter Maheux in March 2012, losing my beloved father Henry Edmunds Davis on April 1, 2013. I am still grieving. I still do not have all of my psychic and spiritual energy and might not for some time. I am trying to ground again and get back into myself. I need it.

I find writing helpful. I love conversations especially one on one although they can be hard to do. Why did it become weird to call someone? Seriously. I love to connect with people. In 2012 I started having lunches with one person and just talking. It was cool. It’s good to spend an hour with just one person and not be in the cacophony of noise and information of the internet and smartphones. I want to get back to it again and having lunch with someone tomorrow.

I am really happy to be in therapy. I had an unbelivably tough year that included a major manic episode in April, 2013. It was one heck of a month. Although I did write some good poems and posts including a memorial for my dad. I also ended up in jail for 36-48 hours of Patriot’s Day last year while fully manic and became extraordinarily manic. Basically doing a 24 hour performance in a cell to the NSA who I was sure was watching. Then was held down and drugged after getting loud at the Maine Medical Center ER and forgot 24 hours completely. April was unbelievably ungrounding. Losing the rock of my life, as I said in a poem at my dad’s memorial service. Losing my sanity.

Recovering slowly. Spring Harbor helped. Lithium helped a lot, dulling my mind when I needed it, found it dulling after my crisis as well and slowly going off of it. My wife helped, my mom helped, my therapist really helped. I am very thankful for therapy. More of us need to be in it. Seeing her tomorrow and happy to go over goals and talk about the last 3 weeks that includes that big holiday of Christmas and all the energy you put in an use for it.

————————-

I feel the need to ground. To slow myself down. In the words that Fred Rogers used from the documentary “Mister Rogers and Me ***” Make your life deep and simple not shallow and complex.

Take a walk. Look up. See the stars. See the clouds. Feel the wind. Hear the water. Rest your mind. Listen. Breathe. Breathe. Slow down. Touch the Earth if you need do, do some Earthing. Literally ground yourself.

Make it a practice. Meditate. Prayer with your heart. Bring the worries of the brain down to the heart. Practice the mediations I learn from Whispering Deer. Your heart can take a lot in, the brain wants to analyze everything. Breathe. Breathe.

One thing I do to ground that make me feel joy is walking with my headphones at work. There is great landscaping there. Statues, trees, birds, a creek, a marsh. Listening to something like Bob Dylan’s “Blowin in the Wind” yesterday, watching the trees in the twilight in a sea of clouds. Transported. Just looking. Appreciating.

Your technology can wait. Texts can wait. You can turn your cellphone off. Sometimes it’s good to not be available. People do not need you all the time. You can not answer a text. You can leave your phone in your pocket while driving. Pay attention.

Right now, I am looking out my window. Seeing rain on the panes. Seeing a gray sky with some blue just after sunset with plenty of dark gray clouds after a rainy, and warm day that reached the upper 40s and had plenty of snowmelt. Can see some red of the sunset in the distance. Lights over the parking lot for the Dancing Elephant and the Frog and Turtle. Light in the parking lot by me. A wet American flag. Trees in fornt of the sunset. A wide Presumpsoct River that is harder to notice through the raindrops. The Disability RMS sign hiding through the trees. A car driving through. Listening, looking.

Billy Collins said all a poet needs is a window, paper and a pencil. Simple. Beautiful. Calming. Noticing. Not overthinking. Which we all do too mcuh. Looking up seeing the day change, watching the birds. Seeing the scampering of creatures. Hoping the insects don’t bite.

Think when you were happiest. Was it a tweet? A Facebook message?

Was it time with a friend, with a loved one, a lover and partner? With family? Eating, drinking. Maybe on vacation in the woods, in the desert? Listening, content at peace. Breathe.

We all need more peace. Less worry.

A life deep and simple where you appreciate things. My cats Lenny and Squiggy. My wife Lanna. The simple sound of the cat fountain. The silence. Sleep, dreams. My family. My sister Mindy, brother in law, Robert. Brother in law Bill, mother in law Dottie. And the ones who have passed, my dad Henry, father in law Walter. Grandparents Avis Neal, Charles Neal, Mary Davis and Donald Davis. My Aunt Louise. My mother’s best friend Dottie Mithee, Cousin Benny.

And heroes who have passed and enriched my life like Kurt Vonnegut, Mark Twain, Carl Sandburg, Johnny Cash, Ray Charles, Miles Davis. And of course teachers past, present and futures. Those who listen. Those who let us listen.

The water. The sky. The birds. The animals. Our pets. Cats, dogs. The mice we can’t see. The bees who pollenate. The pollen that makes us sneeze.

Breathe. Ground. Let life be easy. Let life be quiet. Read. Turn the screen off. Just listen to music. Drift. Dream.

Work to live a deep and simple life in complex and shallow times. Love one another. Hug. Kiss. Be thankful. Breathe. Mediate. Be Present. Appreciate the silence. Learn to love the noise and watch. See the sky change and darken, as the blue almost disappears and the red of sunset is almost gone.

Rest. Breathe. Ground and be Peaceful.

Blessed be.

Crashing Hard

January 3, 2014 by rurugby Leave a Comment

Not sure why but really crashing hard this week and sleeping a lot.

Trying to make “2014: A Year of Grounding” but so far seems to a year of sleeping.

Maybe just the cocooning is grounding. Maybe I need the sleep for some reason. I know this absurdly cold weather isn’t making me want to go out.
So seems like this year will be full of sleeping. Well maybe not more than twelve hours some nights. I do want to calm my mind. I do want to work with more meditation tools. Curious to try a Reiki class, keep meditating and even maybe try acupuncture for some pain issues.

And after losing my father in law on March 24, 2012 and my dad on April 1, 2013, I would love a year without major, personal tragedy. But for now I rest. And rest hard.

Lenny Cat, Lenny Cat/ Cat Suite

December 31, 2013 by rurugby Leave a Comment

My cat Lenny found out that his brother Squiggy had a song “The House of the Squiggy Squig”, and decided he needed one too.

(To the tune of Spider-Man, Spider-Man, Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man)

Lenny Cat
Lenny Cat
Friendly, nudgey Lenny Cat

He’s so big
He’s so cute
Watch out he’s got your foot

Plays with string any time
Sits on sink
Up so high

Can’t you see
He’s so fly
Look there, whenever you will lay down
There goes the Lenny Cat!
Here comes the Lennny Cattt!

—–

Another one to the tune of Batman, this is dedicated to Ryk McIntire
(to TV Batman Theme)

Lenny
Lenny
Lenny
Lenny
Len-ny
Len-ny
Len-ny

Lenny
Lenny
Lenny
Lenny
Le-nny
Le-nny

Lenny, Lenny, Lenny, Lenny, Lenny, Lenny, Lenny
LENNY, LENNY, LENNY

————-

Found this from early April, not sure why it wasn’t published. Going to add two more for a cat suite to read.

Eddie, Cat Dude
(also to TV Batman theme)

Eddie
Eddie
Eddie
Eddie, Eddie
Cat Dude

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie
Eddie, Eddie
Cat Dude, Cat Dude, Cat Dudge

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie,
Eddie, Eddie
Cat Dude

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie,
Eddie, Eddie,
Cat Dude, Cat Dude, Cattt Duuuude

————————-

The House of the Squiggy Squig

(To House of the Rising Sun)

There is a cat in Westbrook town,
They call the Squiggy Squig

He’ll wake you up a 3am,
but you forgive the adorable Squig.

When you take a shower he waits,
On the side of the tub.
Waiting for you to be done.
Then he’ll lick all over the shower curtain.
In the House of the Squiggy Squig.

When someone new comes in the house,
Squiggy will hunt them out.
You better give him some petting time,
you’re in the House of the Squiggy Squig.

And you love to see this cat,
With the off center nosemark.
It’s cute it’s black, and again so cute.
Welcome to the House of the Squiggy Squig.

You’re in the house of the Squigggy Squiiiigggg.

Odd Drive to Work

December 30, 2013 by rurugby Leave a Comment

First, I did get to work safely and mostly on time. If not on time to make coffee.

So left the door at 5:30 expecting to scrape the car and have a show commute in.

I didn’t expect to not be able to open the door even with the key. Eventually I was Annie to open the passenger door, but then I couldn’t get the car started.

So I was finally and to open the driver door and did get the car started. Then the scraping could begin which was icy and annoying.

The roads were slick so I drove very slow. And of course had followers in their SUVs, my 1999 Mercury Sable isn’t exactly a great snow car.

I did slip on Spring Street crossing 22 after a red light and got passed in the right. The traffic light collectors with an extra lane on the right are a terrible idea. Good job by the Maine DOT on that decision. Nothing is safer than passing in the right on a 35 mile an hour road.

Keep going slow worried about a red on the Pleasant Hill road intersection but get through and the Target hill over 95 I got over. Southborough Drive of course was terrible as expected.

Backed up crooked, but wasn’t about to fix when I had issues getting the key out of my car. The key was a little wet, I hope I didn’t damage the starter.

Wheeeee! I hope the drive home is better.

edmund

p.s. Even stranger yesterday I drove with my scarf 80% out of the car. Some days are weird.

Sunrise, Sunset

December 23, 2013 by rurugby 1 Comment

As I draw to the end of a tough and long 2013, the beautiful song from “Fiddler on the Roof” has been one of my big songs in my head.

The lyrics are beautiful. About children growing older, turning from children to adults, ready to marry. About the years moving across. For me about being 39, 40 on June 23rd. Being without a dad who I expected to have for 2 more decades (he died at 66). About missing my wife’s absolutely amazing father Walter Maheux, just a completely good guy who died with a “Satisfied Mind” like the great standard wonderfully sung by Johnny Cash.

For my dad it is more about jazz. It was always his favorite, listening to WBGO 88.3 out of Newark, NJ and Temple Radio which went half classical/half jazz which definitely annoyed him. In retirement, my mom and dad were going to many more jazz shows. I wish he could have gone to more.

Surprisingly for me, I have mostly thought good thoughts about my dad and father in law. They are there in my mind. With memories, with smiles, with lives well lived. Me and Lanna were lucky to have great fathers. Always there, always supportive, both wonderful men.

We were also blessed to be with loving couples who were clearly each other’s life partner. Both are struggling with losing a partner but mostly seem to be doing well at least publically. My mom is taking classes and seeing a therapist. My mother in law goes to the pool every morning and often goes to the gym. I think for me and Lanna also we didn’t forget to say anything. I especially was able to be with my dad for sometime, even though he lived 8 hours away in Allentown. He lived 3 1/2 years with brain cancer and it was only after his second surgery in September, 2012 that things got much worse. Strokes, paralysis, hospice.

For Walter, it was really fast. He was hiding symptoms like far too many men in Maine. “I cough up some blood and then I start my day.” President’s Day he was in the hospital, less than 2 months later he passed away. Friends and family coming down to see him mostly from central Maine, sister from California, sister that was so close, not seeing him even though she ended up being a mile away. That one hurt. On really in the last week or two did he really show he was dying soon. I was there to see him pass and it was a very spiritual moment. One moment he was there, the next gone and just a body. Made my really understand the concept of a soul.

When my dad died, some rang the doorbell asking about a drum kit to sell. I wasn’t in the room just mom. We were all close, my sister Mindy, brother in law Robert, wife Lanna and me, but no of us in the room. Maybe that’s what he wanted, she was so close to my mom. They were always in love and best friends. So I didn’t see him pass, but was grateful to see him no longer suffering. He barely got up the last 6 months of his life.

So I try to move on but have been so exhausted since April. The odd surge of energy of hypomania and then full blown mania in April. Two weeks mostly at Spring Harbor, but including 36-48 hours in jail where my mania went from full-blown to off the scale. Literally performing for almost 24 hours straight, unable to sleep, in a cell with 2 blankets. Jail and prison just aren’t right. And that’s right no clothes on suicide watch. In a mental health crisis the Westbrook Police brought me to the Cumberland County Jail not Maine Med or Mercy hospital. Then relieved to get to Maine Med. Hearing that I would only be there shortly. But no one even talking to me for a while. I didn’t want to sign papers. Wanted to just touch the metal detectors. Demanded to leave and forced down. Got loud. THen pushed down on the bed including on the neck and given an unknown shot. I didn’t now what it was, thought it was going to be a fatal dose of morphine.

Sitting waiting on Cumberland County jail in that period, told I could leave with only a $150 bail I had left the house with only a pair of pajamas and a t-shirt. No shoes, I don’t think any underwear and no wallet. If I had a wallet, pants on and shoes I may have been able to post bail. And the jailers who admitted me may be four of the most evil men I have ever met. The ones in jail were sane, often people homeless or a little crazy. The jailers were the ones who belonged in the cells.

My performance in jail was based on Kurt Vonnegut’s memoir/masterpiece “A Man Without a Country”, a small book I have probably read every year since it came out. Maybe 10-12 time since 2007. We are in terrible times. An NSA security state, millions of Americans in jail often for consensual crimes like marijuana possession, drug offenses, prostitution, etc. It’s a bizarre land when rapists get less jail time then people with a few grams of crack.

Yelling in jail, mad at things saying things needing to be destroyed with an often refrain of “AND I’M NOT KIDDING!”. I was in a bad place. Prisons are no place for mental health problems. Jailers and police officer want to fight you, arrest you, consider you often a threat, male energy. If you are in a mental health crisis you need someone to listen, someone to calm you down, someone to call you on your shit. You need therapists, and nurses. Caring people, female energy.

Spring Harbor was critical for me. Still didn’t sleep well at the beginning but the lithium calmed in what was probably the most intense mania of my life in prison. My uncontrolled mania I had at the Oxford Trade program where I didn’t get medicated or see anyone in August, 2001 was the worst. I was not myself for months after that, especially considering 9/11 happened about a month after. Was planning to finally explore Europe, ended up return to the US feeling broken.

Since late April I have been healing well. I miss the slam scene but I don’t have the spiritual and psychic energy for it now. Hopefully it comes back next year.

Saturday was the Winter Solstice, the Yuletide. Feels like it’s the beginning of a calmer year with new beginnings. I am glad I had heart-centered meditation from Whispering Deer at Rites of Spring to use. Glad I had work for money and to be something to go to. Happy about lithium and Spring Harbor and psychiatrists, although it’s a drug that calms me, it also numbs my mind quite a bit so happy to go from 1200mg to 300mg. And very, very thankful of my wife Lanna Lee Maheux and my therapist, not sure if I should give her name.

Have a Merry Christmas, Happy Yuletide and Wonderful New Year. May the world gain some sanity in 2014. I know 2013 was a rough year for me.

edmund

(Tevye)
Is this the little girl I carried?
Is this the little boy at play?

(Golde)
I don’t remember growing older
When did they?

(Tevye)
When did she get to be a beauty?
When did he grow to be so tall?

(Golde)
Wasn’t it yesterday
When they were small?

(Men)
Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly flow the days
Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers
Blossoming even as we gaze

(Women)
Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly fly the years
One season following another
Laden with happiness and tears

(Tevye)
What words of wisdom can I give them?
How can I help to ease their way?

(Golde)
Now they must learn from one another
Day by day

(Perchik)
They look so natural together

(Hodel)
Just like two newlyweds should be

(Perchik & Hodel)
Is there a canopy in store for me?

(All)
Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly fly the years
One season following another
Laden with happiness and tears