Ramblings of an EdMan

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Crying Again with Johnny Cash

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No one makes me cry with Johnny Cash. It’s not close.

A little over 11 months ago on February 25, 2012 it was grieving for my father-in-law’s pending death. This year it’s for my dad’s limited time on this earth.

His voice is just hauntingly beautiful especially late in his life with his American Recordings.

So going to pick some other Johnny Cash songs that are getting to me right now.

The first is from American IV “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face”. Again Mr. Cash just totally deepens an already beautiful song. And it’s a song about love. My mom and dad are a dyad and people who have always been deeply, deeply in love. As were Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash. And my father in law and mother in law Walter and Dottie Maheux.

Then there is “For the Good Times”. My mom and dad have had a lot of them. And I know she is grateful that for the first 4+ years of my dad’s brain cancer they were able to spend time together. Including an RV trip from PA to Phoenix to Boise, Idaho just this summer. I am really worried about my mom without dad.

And here are some from the first post. One is Johnny Cash’s stunning cover of the Beatles “In My Life.” We don’t know how long we have on this planet so cherish the good times and try to bring joy.

Another amazing cover is from my mom’s favorite band Simon and Garfunkel, and one of her favorite songs “Bridge Over Troubled Water.” I am swimming in troubled waters, and it’s important to cry sometimes. Especially when I have time to reflect.

And we are all mortal on this planet. Eventually it’s our time. Dad’s time is going to come soon. Sooner or later God will cut you down. Looks like for my dad it’s this winter. I am mostly ok with that now. I have had great time. But I do worry about my mom, I worry about her a lot.

And thank you everyone so much for your thoughts and prayers. It means a lot.

Edmund

2012: A Year of Spiritual Challenges

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My goal for 2012 was to have a year of spirit. I had no idea what was to come.

I was feeling more prayerful at the time, with my practice of heart prayers. It helps center and ground me.

Unfortunately, nothing ungrounds you like sickness and tragedy. And it didn’t take long this year. The winter was a time to found out my father in law had been hiding symptoms for a long time. It was only a couple months later that he passed away.

It was a blessing to live close to my in-laws and see the process and help where I could. It was also easily the most spiritual moment of the year to see Walter Maheux pass from the world of the living to the dead.

Lanna was shattered by her father’s death, I was upset and extremely sad.

The spring and summer Lanna was especially sad and introverted. By the late summer we were started to feel like ourselves again. Then my dad’s brain cancer returned in late August.

Our lives felt shattered again. Big tumor in his left thallmus. At first we were told it was inoperable. Then they were able to remove it with the same brain surgeon that did the first tumor removal.

Since then I have been very sad. It’s just shattering.

So my goal for 2013 is to work for a new normal and have a year of acceptance in 2013. Accepting who I am. Accepting that my dad is sick. Accepting my quirks. Developing more patience. A lot that I have been working on, a lot that I am continuing to work on.

But 2012 was a challenging year. And I still feel very spiritual. I don’t however feel as connected to church as I have been. So it goes.

And it’s important sometimes to realize it is what is. And that life is what happens when you make other plans.

Blessed be.

Edmund

Stroke

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Just talked to my mom tonight.

Looks like dad is being discharged from skilled nursing in a couple weeks and had a massive stroke in the CT scan at the Lehigh Valley hospital in late September.

We didn’t know. We knew there was a small stroke during the brain tumor removal surgery but not a massive stroke.

It explains a lot. It explains the mood changes, explains the slow improvement.

Still, it’s a hard word to hear. I hope home care works well, it’s going to be a challenge.

And it sucks that I am 8 hours away. At least I do plan to be there in 3 weeks for Christmas.

Edmund

Back to Work

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Had my first day back at work today.

Was good to get back into the routine.

Wish I could say it was going better for my dad, but unfortunately it’s just not true right now.

Still in the hospital today had a spinal tap and looks like a small ulcer.

Also talked about possible hospice care.

As Lanna would say “another day in suck city.” Wish I could be closer. Going to go back in a couple weeks for Columbus Day weekend.

I don’t think my dad survives another 4 years with brain cancer, he is already in the top 5% for life expectancy with a GBM brain tumor/cancer.

Usually on Friday I talk about the reading for the week, but there hasn’t been much.

Spent a lot of time earlier in the week playing Air Control and Flight Control air traffic controller games.

Do want to get back to reading, not sure when I will. Only book I really finished in Pennsylvania was “Of Mice and Men.” I will get back to it soon. Did check out Patricia Smith’s book of poetry “Blood Dazzler” at the library. Looking forward to that.

Packing Out

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Packed and ready to leave in the morning.

Everyone is exhausted and in bed already. The only ones still out are the adorable black cat sisters, Briggs and Stratton playing with a cat catcher (wand with multicolored ribbon). They are both around 16 months and hyper adorable.

I am leaving with a heavy heart. Dad did survive the surgery but has substantial left side weakness and even feels colder on his left side. Now we have to leave it to rehab and pray and hope for improvement.

It’s going to be a long road.

I need to be back in Maine with my wife and get back to work.

This has been a strange and very long two and a half weeks. I am glad I have my soulmate to come back to. Mom is terrified about how her soulmate will come out of this. They have been together a long long time over 40 years and he’s not well. Maybe he will improve, I think his vision on his left side is likely to stay impared, so he won’t drive again. I also think there will be left side issues which may require a wheelchair or walker. It’s scary times. There may be assisted living ahead too.

Dad is a 4 year brain cancer survivor and we have to wait to see what’s next. I want to see him more awake and concious when I come back in a month over Columbus Day weekend. That would be good. His voice is stronger, and he is definitely hungry so this is good. He is feeding himself, and they do have him up in a wheelchair. We will just have to see what’s next.

I wish I lived closer. Maine is a long way from Allentown, Pennsylvania. But now it’s just time for healing. I know I liked being close with Walter’s illness and being far away will be hard.

Right now I just want to hug my wife and pray for better times. Dad survived the surgery, now here comes the work.

Edmund